im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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