And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
