Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All the doctor said was why
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
