My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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