im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
