my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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