Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
