for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
