The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
