we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
