I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
