She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
