Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
