you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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