The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
