This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
