Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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