That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
