Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
