Buhtt sex?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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