I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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