I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
