One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
