so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
