If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Princesses don't give blow jobs
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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