Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
