ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
