Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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