My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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