I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
