Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize