So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
