he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
