this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
