Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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