i permit you to call me
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
