Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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