ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
