The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
