I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Randomize
