Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize
