Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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