my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Randomize
