So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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