I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize