he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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