If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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