His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
