Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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