Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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