booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
