She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
