I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
