So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize