Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I can't put those talents on a resume
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
