I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
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