If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
