I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
